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Updates and a Request For Advise/Help

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Well, hello again peeps.

It’s been a while since my last update but I have good news and not-so-good news. The good news is that my brother is being well cared for at the adult assisted living facility I found for him. The bad news is that I think he’s started drinking alcohol again. As his payee, I give him $40/week but he doesn’t always stick to that budget. We have fallen out more than once since he moved out of here because he’s been over here asking for extra money and 99% of the time, I give it to him because I don’t want any trouble. I had to call the police on him once because he flipped out on me and refused to leave and was grabbing at my phone, purse, my arm. My sister and my niece smelled alcohol on him on Christmas Day when he was here visiting. I’m currently in the process of giving up payee and transferring it to a service. He’s hurt by that. He thinks I’m cutting myself off from him, like cutting all ties so I can abandon him like everybody else has done. I can understand how he feels but I would never abandon him, I just want to live without having my brother knock on my door randomly and lying to me about why he’s spent all his allowance. He’s got absolutely no expenses at the group home. I don’t need this shit.

I don’t need this shit because I am a wreck. When my brother moved out, I had a roommate. He’s a long time, trusted friend and for a while, we were splitting the bills. Everything was great. I came home from work a few months ago and he was gone. He’s a relatively young man with a heart condition. He could no longer work and needed several months for his disability to be approved so he moved in with his daughter because he felt bad about not being able to pay his share. I understood. Suddenly, I had to take care of everything.

My money ran out. My son was also living with me and couldn’t contribute but I did everything a good mother should do for a millennial-aged kid that is struggling to get on his feet in this economy. Gave him shelter, food, home-cooked lunches, and money, money, and more money so he could get to his part-time job. This entitled brat gave me the blues every chance he could get, spending his money on weed and then crying to me that he needs $40 to get through the week not to mention all the expenses that I have to carry that keeps him in soap, toilet paper, food, etc. Meanwhile, my funds are diminishing so I complain about it. This kid says the most disrespectful shit I’ve ever heard anyone say to a parent. I was stunned and speechless. I gave him the money but I put his ass out a few days later. I will not be financially bullied and taken advantage of by my own first born. He broke me and I had enough and he’s 26 goddamn years old. I also felt terribly guilty at having to do that to my boy but I’m sorry, I’m never going to be pushed around and bullied like that without finally snapping.

I left my former job for a new one. I did my best at the new job but with the fallout of everything that happened to me in the past several months, I couldn’t handle this new job. The workload and the minutia was unbelievable. I’m sure that PTSD and depression had a lot to do with the fact that I realized that this was the wrong job fit for me. I was panicking and crying every day. I went to my supervisors in tears a few times and told them that I just couldn’t do it because I was suffering mentally and breaking down further with every day that passed. I begged them to transfer me to another department, one in particular that I was an expert in due to my former experience. Also, I acquired a new supervisor who is not sensitivity-trained in dealing with high-functioning mental illness. I had to endure coaching sessions with this woman who hammered on me for every mistake that I made. No matter what, I couldn’t make her understand that I try my best but I’m sick and that’s why I was being considered for a transfer. I knew that if I kept fucking up, I wouldn’t ever be allowed to transfer because I had that meeting already in which all that was explained to me. I opted for a personal leave without pay until I could start my new training class for the new department on June 3rd. The personal leave was granted to me and I had to take it because I couldn’t survive on more dehumanizing, demoralizing “coaching session” with that damn supervisor who seems to believe that “everybody goes though this, but you just have to….”. NO! YOU DUMB FUCK I AM SICK! I can barely remember anything I’m supposed to do. My brain is so foggy, I can’t remember or retain anything that has to do with this job. I’m so happy to be accepted to the other department where I know wth I’m doing and could easily be considered for supervisor/coach or a work-from-home position in about 6-8 months. 

So, long story short, I haven’t been working for several weeks. My best friend and his really sweet and helpful mama gave me some Lexapro. These are mama’s pills but apparently, she has an abundance of them to the extent that they will expire if someone doesn’t use them, so I’ve been using them. I don’t know if they’re the right dosage for me or even the right meds but with me having to pay a $1200 deductible if I go to a network doctor, I’m so happy to have my hands on these pills. I’ve been taking them and I don’t know if they’ve helped me but the placebo effect of me just having them has made me sleep better at night.

It it ok for me to do that, take someone else’s meds? Is there any risk? I really don’t have the best judgement right now but I want to believe that I’m doing the best I can to feel better. 

I expected to have the money to get me through but here I am. Idk wtf I was calculating but I don’t have anything to sustain me until I get paid again. But that’s very typical of me. I don’t know wth I’m doing and I seem to be growing more delusional with every month that passes. I work for a really great company and I have enlisted their services to help me. Also, my good friend who works for the same company gave me her psych’s number and assured me that her life is changed by seeking help for the same issues that I’m having. I cried in her arms yesterday. I’m so grateful for everyone who has reached out to help me because lord knows the ones I have reached out to help aren’t there. 

I don’t have the money for my rent again or my car or anything else and I’m looking forward to being broke and underwater until I go back to work and get paid again. I also have a cat to take care of now. I feel like such a bad cat mom because he hasn’t had any of his shots or been to the vet yet but that’s something I will eventually need to get around to doing. He stays in the house and he’s very healthy so I’m not worried about him. His name was supposed to be T’Challa but I ended up calling him Muppet (Mup-Mup) for some reason. I rescued him from the shelter because I was reading about black cats needing good homes and I needed him, too because my feral-ish cat, Kiddy Sue died and left me with a void in my heart for cat love. So now it’s just me and this fluffy guy. He was a good investment. He gives me something to live for. I’m pretty sure that I’m suffering anxiety, depression and PTSD and this little guy is my only lighthouse in the storm. 

It took me all day to write this and I’m in tears because I can’t believe that I’m in this position again but if anyone can spare anything to help me, I’ll make arrangements to pay it back once I start back to the job and get paid again. I’m just a bit terrified right now and I’m hanging on the best I can but I find myself without pay for 2 months and everything is piling up very quickly. But you’ll be happy to know that I have accomplished my short-term goals. 1. Get everybody the fuck out of my life that is toxic and 2. Worked my way up to a job that allows me to be independent and even better if I get a new good roommate. I just don’t want to lose everything and have to start all over. I think it might break me. I told you this long story because I’m not even sure where I went wrong, it’s just a chain of unfortunate events that suddenly piled up on me when I thought I was doing great for a minute.

I have paypal. My email is tcmayb@gmail.com. I’ve got to go out for a short walk because it always makes me feel better but I’ll be back really soon. 


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